Everybody knows I'm all Captain Planet and the very idea of littering is appalling to me, but I believed my case is justified. Somebody tried to kill me after church tonight.
Some one, I don't know who nor am I placing blame, released a wild, deranged, killer, bitey spider in my car! Whoever put that animal in my car was pretty smart, telling the spider to hide behind my sun visor, but biting the top of my head would have been better than giving me a heart attack/near wreck!
Imagine me, driving down the road, admiring the brand new cat eyes that were stuck to the brand new blacktop, when my superkeen eyes (I did just get them checked and I can see 20/15 with my contacts, booyah!), spotted movement. Ever so slightly, the spider shifted his weight (her weight?). My breath caught in my throat and I began to hyperventilate and hold my breath at the same time (I kid you not) while I frantically zoomed into the Subway parking lot, slammed the car in park, jumped over into the passenger seat, one eyeball on the spider, the other digging through the glove box.
Napkins! Where are the napkins! I always save my extra napkins, now where are they?!?!?!?!
No napkins to be found and I had no time to waste.
Ya'll, I squashed that spider with my hankie. And screamed. And threw the hankie out of my car onto the ground. In front of a cop. And a Suburban-load of kids. Then I drove off like nothing ever happened while the mom eyeballed my nice hankie wondered what nasty thing I'd left out there.
Spiders give me the creeps. Even now I'm scratching my neck every time my hair moves and looking at my shoulders like I expect to see some eight-legged monster waving back at me. I probably won't sleep tonight. I'm sure I won't.